There you go.
That is, uh, Sewn with the Feeling.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM here on a Saturday afternoon.
How you doing, man?
Uh, well, I'm alright.
Hello, listeners.
I've actually got a temperature and a cold.
Have you actually got a temperature?
Yeah.
I've had a fever.
Oh, man.
Oh, yeah.
Have you been, uh, dealing with it?
Well, watching the Commonwealth Games has been my only solace in my nights of, uh, red-hot insomnia.
What sort of action are you getting on the Commonwealth Games at the moment?
Bums.
Bums and pecs.
Bums and pecs?
Bums, pecs and boobs.
Where from?
All in tight lycra.
Are they doing, is it gymnastics in that kind of situation?
Yeah, all kinds of things.
The other day there was a bike race, but for some reason they were doing it in their swimming costumes.
And it was just this shot of five scantily clad ladies bummed.
on bikes.
Maybe it's just me, I don't know.
Are those male swimmers?
Yeah, those male swimmers, they've all got the same body.
They're like an action figure with a changeable head.
So you're having a kind of crazy polysexual, um... There's nothing sexual about it.
It's just admiring the human physique in all its different shapes.
OK, good, good.
I'm sure anybody out there who's been watching the Commonwealth Games, you just end up looking at their bits.
It's not really about sport.
It should be called the Bits Games.
Now, it'll be good.
That's what the games is.
Oh, the Channel 4, uh, celebrity sport thing.
Yeah, you're basically just looking at the celebrity bodies.
No one's watching that, are they?
Why would you watch Peter Duncan do a canoe race when you've got the professionals on the other side?
Not the professionals, but, you know, real sportsmen.
Yeah.
We should say thanks to Alex and the team.
Yeah, thanks to, yeah, the TV- Alex and Mark and Ash for doing another great show.
We never really give them the correct props, but they've got an incredible amount of energy that they infuse the studio with.
You're ill as well, aren't you, Adam?
I'm not as ill as you, but yeah, I've got a bit of a cold going on.
Yeah, we're both ill.
If you're ill, you're in the right place.
Yeah, because we're ill.
This afternoon.
Listen, we've got an amazing prize this week, listeners.
Uh, we're giving away a helicopter flying lesson.
That's incredible.
Yeah?
Isn't that incredible?
For one lucky winner thanks to 118 and their A-Team campaign.
So, I've never, personally, never been in a helicopter before.
Yeah.
Have you?
Yeah.
Uh, no, I don't think I have.
So that's amazing.
A helicopter flying lesson.
That's frightening.
What use would that have?
Just the one lesson.
You can't presumably learn how to fly a helicopter in just one lesson.
Yeah, it's very easy.
Is it?
Yes, yes.
Is it?
Because you switch them on.
Yeah.
And then there's just an up stick and a down stick.
Well, what about forward?
Forward.
Forwards.
It's like a joystick you get in there.
You know what?
I don't want to go in a helicopter.
Ricky and Steve laugh
I wonder how we're going to give that prize away.
We'll work it out later in the show, but that's a pretty amazing prize.
Plus, we've got five copies of Gus Van Sant's Last Days DVDs, the film that is not based on Kurt Cobain.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Not based on Kurt Cobain.
Ideal for anyone who needs a nap.
Have you seen it, Adam?
Yes.
I hear it's great.
Well, you just- You're a bit thick.
You're a bit thick.
You are thick.
You are thick.
You are thick.
You are thick.
No, I am a bit thick, it's true.
You are a bit thick.
Come on, if you're more intelligent than Adam, you'll love that.
And we've got three Masters of Horror DVDs.
That's good.
They're a box set, aren't they?
That's a series of one-hour horror things that have been showing on Bravo, but they're all directed by famous directors.
One of them's directed by Takeshi Miike, who did Audition and stuff.
And it's so horrible, they're not gonna release it.
Really?
They're only gonna release it on DVD.
Do we have that one?
Are we giving away that one?
We'll have a look and get back to you on that one.
Plus, of course, brilliant music from the Zootons coming up, Hard Five, Charlatans, the Killers, Oasis, the Arctic Monkeys, that's all just the first hour.
And a few nuggets that we'll throw in as well, non-playlist nuggets for you listeners.
So let's play some more music right now.
This is the Zootons.
Why won't you give me your love?
By the Zootons.
They don't like futons.
They love crunchy croutons.
What was the other one?
Ah, I can't remember.
Uh... Two tons.
Their combined weight is two tons.
They are the Zootons.
They are the Zootons.
With Why Don't You Give Me Your Love.
Uh, Adam and Jo on XFM, we've had a couple of texts.
Already, we've got things to deal with.
Yeah, apparently... Mistakes we've made.
Apparently, if a helicopter... if the engine breaks, there's still energy in the... what do they call them?
Choppers?
The chopper!
The chopper wings!
In the chopper wings, there's still a bit of energy in the chopper wings.
They still whiz round, and it can land.
It just does a bit of a bumpy landing.
What's the official- he had the technical term for, uh, helichopper wings.
That's an E. They still have rota- Auto- auto-rotate.
A helicopter can auto-rotate.
There you go.
Yeah.
So that's actually encouraged me.
I now might go in a helichopper.
Helichopper.
You won't immediately slam into the side of a mountain.
and explode into flames.
Um, so, wow, that's a good prize.
We've still gotta figure out exactly what we're gonna, you know, we've got, we've got, um, crap commentary corner coming up.
We've got a crap commentary corner coming up.
Yeah.
Is it easy?
Well, you know we had a brilliant, uh, crap commentary two weeks ago with Guy Ritchie's insane Kabbalah-based rantings on the DVD of Revolver.
Yes.
And, you know, crap commentary's peak and trough.
This week it's a trough.
A couple of weeks ago, peak.
This week, trough.
I had real trouble finding one.
I was ill.
They're so boring, anyway, DVD commentaries.
You do have to sift through a lot to get to the good stuff.
So I've put an extra twist on it this week.
Right.
I'm not gonna tell you what it is.
Oh, that's exciting.
Well, that's coming up in about ten minutes' time, anyway.
Um, and then, of course, we've got a text competition in the second hour, so we'll see how it goes with the crap commentary corner as far as giving away the chopper flights.
Um, hey, have you been getting, uh, weird emails about your bank details?
Well, what, those, uh, phishing ones with a P-H.
Phishing, it's called.
Is it?
Yeah, when you, when you send a fake one from the Halifax or something and, uh... Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's famous.
Is it?
That's been going on for years, yes.
For years?
Yeah.
It's only just started happening to me.
To you?
Yeah.
Have you responded to any of them?
I was thinking about it.
And then I, wise stuff, I've, I decided to take the precaution of ringing my bank and saying, excuse me, what are, why are you sending me those emails?
Why are, what does it mean?
And, uh.
What did they say?
They said, you haven't responded to them, have you?
In, in quite a tired way.
Yeah.
And I said, no, not yet.
Why, why, what is it?
And they said, well, they're fake, obviously.
And, um... Man, you're funny, aren't you?
Because you're a very clever guy.
But you fall for stuff like that.
Like, you fall for those scratch cards they give away in the Sunday magazines.
What?
Since when?
Well, the, uh, don't you remember, like, last year you came in and you thought you'd won a holiday to France?
Yeah, that's right.
Because it had fell out of the news of the world.
And you didn't realize it was a holiday in a port-a-loo.
In a specific week.
And you had to pay for the flights and cooking and accommodation.
That's quite true.
And there was no running water.
Because I'm hopeful.
I want life to be... You're optimistic, okay.
I'm an optimist.
I'm such a jerk.
You're not.
It's just funny that you're an intelligent man, but yet... I was so excited about increasing my penis size as well, and that turned out to be a complete scam.
Did it get smaller?
Yeah.
Hey, Joe, we've got a free play right now, and this is something you've brought in.
Would you like to introduce it?
Yeah, this is an exciting new band.
This single comes out in a month or so, I think.
They're called 28 Costumes, aren't they?
Correct.
Yeah.
And this is a really good song.
Check this out.
This is called You Excite Me.
Oh dear, it was all going so well and then they messed it up on the guitar at the end.
How embarrassing.
They fired that guy.
Why do you think they kept it in?
They should have cut that bit out.
We're joking, of course.
That's 28 Costumes.
Hot new band.
Hot new band.
Remember that name?
They sounded a little bit like Interpol covering Suede.
Yeah, I think they're playing live in London in the next few days and that single comes out in a month or so.
with you excite me.
What now, Adam Buxton?
Well, I thought we'd play some adverts, Joe, because I'm a big fan.
I love adverts.
I love adverts.
I've got a lot of disposable income.
Yeah, same here.
And I just need some stuff.
I'm always keen to track down the best in whatever field.
And advice as well.
You know?
About drugs and that kind of thing.
That's right.
Well, that's the kind of thing you can expect from this series of adverts.
And after that, I think we should play Crap Commentary Corner.
Good plan.
So, listeners, stay tuned.
XFM.
XFM.
XFM.
XFM.
XFM.
This is XFM.
Love music.
Love XFM.
that's the charlatans with black and blue eyes this is adam and joe here on xfm it's competition time right now it's time to call in you could win something amazing
Can you guess which film we're playing?
By hearing what they're saying.
Crap.
Come on, telly, go now.
Oh, dear.
You know, because I've been ill, I watched all Saturday morning telly this morning.
Oh, yeah.
Stephen and Holly's Saturday misery fest.
What channel is that on?
ITV, that's dreadful.
Dick and Dom, which is fantastic.
And there's another one, CDUK or something.
They've all got jingles like that.
Have they?
They're non-stop, stupidly sung jingles.
Mad jingles.
Yeah.
And we're adding to it.
Well, they ripped us off, man.
That's true.
We did it first.
Yeah.
Ministry of Mayhem, they get all their stuff from us.
Yeah.
Um, anyway, that's another topic of conversation.
It's time to play Crap Commentary Corner.
And at stake, the prize, listeners, is this helicopter flying lesson.
That's right.
Uh, learn how to fly a helicopter.
You know when that could come in useful.
At least begin to learn how to fly a helicopter.
Yeah, if you join the army you'll be a step ahead of all the other grunts.
Mainly it's a chance to just be up in a helicopter and have your hand on the flying stick.
Ooh.
You know?
That's exciting.
That's exciting.
So this is possibly the most exciting prize we've ever given away.
Yeah.
And it's thanks to 118 and their A-Team campaign.
Because the A-Team went around in a helicopter, didn't they?
Sometimes.
Apart from Mr. T. Because he hated flying, you fool.
He hated flying.
I don't like flying, you fool.
Don't fly it, foolie.
Brilliant.
OK, so let's waste no more time.
The number is 0871 222 1049.
0871 222 1049.
If you can tell us who this is speaking, what actor or actress,
and what movie this commentary is taken from, but there's a twist this week.
isn't it, Adam?
Yeah, it's outrageous.
I mean, it is, I would say it's virtually impossible.
It's virtually impossible.
If you get this from this first clip, because we've adjusted the speed of the voice, it's too easy when listened to at a normal speed.
So we've adjusted the speed of this person's voice and it makes them sound very, very unlike how they really sound.
And you've made it slower, we should say, obviously.
Yeah, yeah.
And it really has made them sound quite horrifically kind of creepy.
Like a very, very stone tramp.
Yeah.
So have a listen to this, yeah.
Um, I read the script and then I met with Tony, and, um, well, of course, everybody loves Tony, he's like, craziness, but, um, so I met him, and then, um, I mean, I totally, like, wanted to do it, like, totally, totally, totally.
Whoa.
That sounds dreadful.
And, um, I think it's not, people need to know, I think, that it's actually a much younger person than that sounds.
Right.
You know?
Okay, well listen, 0871, 2221 and 499, and have a guess.
If no one is getting it, we'll play you the clip at normal speed.
But it's a sort of... the slow one is too hard, and the fast one... and the normal one's too easy.
I don't think the normal one is too easy.
You reckon?
Okay, well let's see what comes through from that.
Okay, should we just play it one more time?
Have a listen and listen to what she's talking about, not that that's particularly helpful.
Oh, I read this book and then I met with Tony and, um, well, of course everybody loves Tony, he's like craziness, but, um, so I met him and then, um, I mean, I totally, like, want to do it, like, totally, totally, totally.
Well, everybody loves Tony.
Everybody loves Tony.
So, Tony is the person that she worked with.
I think we can tell people that Tony is the person that directed the film she was in.
So, think younger.
Think much younger.
And, uh... Think Tony.
Think Tony.
0871 222 1049 to win that helicopter flying lesson.
Uh, let's play some more music right now.
Here are The Killers with Mr. Brightside.
Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine
I never.
I never, I never did.
I never, I never done it.
I did not do it.
I never, I never.
I did not do it.
I never.
Not me.
I never.
That was Mr... Yeah.
Brightside.
One of us has got to talk.
Sorry.
We've become one tedious person.
That's The Killers with Mr. Brightside.
We have a couple of people on the line now who think that they might know the identity of the, um... Slowed down crap commentary.
Actress that we played before.
Shall we hear the clip just once more before we go to the phones?
Let's hear the creepy clip.
Um, I read the script and then I met with Tony, and, um, well, of course, everybody loves Tony, it's like, craziness, but, um, so I met him, and then, um, I mean, I totally, like, wanted to do it, like, totally, totally, totally.
Oh, that's frightening, man.
It just sounds like someone with a very badly bashed-in jaw.
Yes.
So, Maxine, hello, Maxine.
Hello.
How you doing?
Not too bad, you?
Uh, well, temperature, flu, you know, apart from that, very well.
Sorry to hear that.
Yeah, thanks for your sympathy.
Um, so you reckon you, how come, how come you reckon you know who that is?
It's a stub in the dark, to be honest.
Is it?
I think it's Reese Witherspoon.
Based on what, no evidence whatsoever?
None whatsoever.
She's female.
Right.
You know what, I can understand where Maxine's coming from.
Can you, Adam?
Yeah, because of the overbite.
Do you know what I mean?
You know Reese Witherspoon's got that kind of, um... Oh, she's got a jimba jaw.
She's got a prominent jaw.
And now, and a jimba jaw's different from an overbite, though.
A jimba jaw is an underbite, isn't it?
Like that.
It's a bit of a false eye.
Right, yeah, yeah.
Whereas an overbite is like this.
It's all the way like that.
That's just a Chinaman.
Of course I'm being stupid.
He's just being ironically racist.
I'm being 70s.
But yeah, so what sorry where were we is that what it's called a jimba jaw?
Yeah, isn't it a jimba jaw when a joystick side of that?
That's brilliant.
It sounds right so and you think that Reese Witherspoon's jimba jaw might make her sound a bit sort of her.
She's the highest paid woman in Hollywood She is but it's not the correct answer to our competition.
I'm sorry about that.
Hey, do you want a prize anyway?
Oh
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, you can't go in a helicopter, Maxine.
I'm sorry about that, but you can.
What can she do, Joe?
You could have a Masters of Horror DVD.
Do you like horror?
Are you brainy?
Maxine, are you a brainy person?
Yeah, I'm extremely intellectual.
Are you a bit arty as well?
Uh, yeah.
Maybe you'd like a copy of Gus Van Sant's Last Days video, because it is, I mean it is, I was only joking before, uh, it's certainly ponderous, I'll say that much for it, but it is kind of, there's lots of brilliant things about it, and it is whatever he says, kind of based on the last days of Kurt Cobain, so it's well worth seeing if you'd like that.
Do you want that, Maxine?
That would be lovely, thank you.
Hurrah!
Hurrah!
Thank you very much for calling me.
Good guess.
Yeah, very good guess.
But it's not Witherspoon.
We've got a second caller, Rael on the line.
Hello, Rael.
Hello there.
Am I saying your name right?
Rael or Rael?
Rael, like a train track.
Oh, Rael, right, not like one of the demons in Ghostbusters.
Are you British, Rael?
I am, that's right, yeah, English, yeah.
British Rael.
A lot of people call you British Rael.
I've never heard that before, actually.
Have you not?
I'm the king!
Yeah, Rael, it's amazing.
People always say that all the time, but that never happens, it's weird.
Rael, what do you do for a living?
Are you a student, or...?
I'm actually unemployed right now.
No, that's wrong.
What are your skills?
I resigned from my job a few days ago.
Let's get you a job.
What are your skills?
You could be a train driver.
I tell you what your skill might be.
Your skill is recognising slowed down voices.
That is my skill, it must be said.
Is there a place in society for someone with that skill?
Who knows?
Who knows?
What was your mental process with the competition, Rail?
Well, my mental process was, I had heard the commentary in question and therefore recognised it instantly.
No, you're joking.
Man, you are unemployed, aren't you?
You're a nerd!
Had you seriously heard it?
Yeah, yeah, I had.
It's because, to be honest, I heard it in my job, while I was doing some work on the film, so I heard it, you know?
You worked on this film?
Yeah, in a very simple manner.
I've been syncing up the commentary.
So who is it?
It's the character Fanning, and she's doing a commentary on Man on Fire, talking about Tony Scott, the director of the film.
Ah, brilliant.
So, shall we hear the... can we be bothered to hear the clip?
Yeah, let's hear the slowed-down version just one more time to remind people of how creepy it is, and the brilliance of Rael's deductive reasoning and memory powers.
I don't know, I read the script and then I met with Tony, and, um, well, of course, everybody loves Tony, he's like, craziness, but, um... Oh, that's so frightening.
It is like craziness.
Can we hear it at normal speed now?
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, at normal speed.
I don't know, I read the script and then I met with Tony, and, um, well, of course, everybody loves Tony, he's like, craziness, but, um, so I met him, and then, um, I mean, I totally, like, wanted to do it, like, totally, totally, totally.
Now, that one sounds like the freaky version, doesn't it?
The munchkin version.
But that's real.
That's the way that Dakota speaks.
Being very young.
Like totally.
Like totally.
So, Royale, what sort of work did you do on Man on Fire?
It was very simple, basically just the transfer job, taking the sound from one source and putting it onto another source so that the DVD was being made.
You mean you burnt off a CD of the soundtrack for one of your mates?
I stole it and then I listened to it on a daily basis just because I really enjoyed hearing Kate Spalling talking about the kind of clothes she was wearing in the film for hours.
So you were responsible for making sure it all synced up?
Basically that's it, yeah, yeah.
The disturbing thing about Dakota Fanning on that commentary track is she talks exactly like an adult.
She doesn't just talk, she obviously spends too much time with adults.
No, you're right, you're absolutely right.
And she laughs like an adult.
She's got this laugh.
Like that.
Seriously, obviously it's a bit higher pitched than that.
Yeah, well that's just a horse noise, isn't it?
That's right, yeah.
A bit more of a hoist noise.
I couldn't really get an impression.
So listen, Rail, congratulations.
Thanks for calling in.
You're going in a helicopter?
You're going in a helicopter machine?
Do you want that prize or will that frighten you?
Um, that sounds, you know, pretty exciting to me.
I'll be up for helicopter action, yeah.
You definitely... but listen, man, this is a big prize.
You can't just take the prize and then just not do it, okay?
You have to do... I'm not doing it, man.
I think you've got to call us and tell us what it was like.
I don't know if I have any basis, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's... you're going in a whirlybird.
Whirlybird.
That's what they call them.
I haven't called it like that.
It's gonna be amazing, Rel, and please, would you let us know how it went?
And, um, I hope you have a fantastic time, and thank you very much for calling in.
Especially let us know how it goes if the, uh... Don't, don't, don't say anything like that at all.
It'll just be a heavy landing.
Oh, fine.
We'll be back soon.
XFM.
This is XFM.
This is XFM.
XFM.
The road I'm takin' My commands, my commands The cold light's gonna tell me where the light is Where the light is, where the light is Where the light is, where the light is Love music, love music Love XFM
That's nice.
Yeah, that's a free play there.
Shouldn't really have played it out of the break, Joe.
That's not on.
Isn't it?
No, it's not.
Get out!
It's not allowed, so I might be fired for that.
Sorry, XFM bosses.
But it is a lovely song.
Uh, it's Captain Beefheart.
My head is my only house unless it rains.
Xanthi there pointing out that we were talking about Jim Bajor earlier, that Will Young has the most prominent Jim Bajor in pop.
He does, yeah.
Yeah.
The jimba jaw, it must be a sign of power or something.
Do you think?
Confidence, yeah.
If you can put your best jaw forward, it means that people are going to believe in what you have to peddle.
Because he's a very successful man and, you know, I just can't get over the fact that Witherspoon is the highest paid woman in Hollywood.
It's anybody's game.
It's extraordinary.
What has she done to deserve that?
Walk the Line is her most celebrated role, correct?
Otherwise, it's Legally Blonde 1 and 2 and... Well, she's in Election, right?
Election.
That's really good.
She was really good.
And Freeway.
Isn't she in Freeway?
That's really good as well.
I mean, I know she's a talented actress, obviously, but she's one of those people a bit like... This is a controversial point of view, but a bit like Johnny Depp, who's basically been in a lot of films that I really couldn't be bothered to watch from start to finish.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Anyway, let's move from one controversial topic to another.
Well, it's not really controversial, it's sort of tragic.
The drug trials, obviously we don't want to poke fun at anyone involved or... No, this is a deeply serious and horrible story, but we would like to talk a bit about the way the press have covered it.
Yeah, it was just very weird, it struck me... So what we're going to say now is actually nothing to do with the appalling predicament of the people themselves, but... No, exactly.
We're specifically addressing the papers and the sensationalist tone with which they covered it, as if
It was some sort of Marvel superhero origin story.
Basically, the story was so horrific that the media just got in a complete excitement about it.
Just thought, wow, this is like Jacob's Ladder or something, you know what I mean?
I mean, it's most like Jacob's Ladder, isn't it?
Yeah.
Don't you think?
No, I'm saying in- in theme and, uh, fear factor.
So, what- what, the idea being that they were trying to turn it into, like, something out of a movie?
Yeah, they were playing on people's fears and- and, uh, exploiting the fact that people- And mental images that people already have in their heads, like, Elephant Man references and stuff like that.
Yeah, exactly.
When nobody actually knows what the truth is of what went on in there.
No, and of course there's no photographs to corroborate any of that kind of scurril.
But they had these interviewees, like one of the poor blokes' girlfriend was talking about going in and seeing him, and she was very tearful.
And she was the one that was using these phrases like, he was like the elephant man, he was so puffy she couldn't bear to look at him, and she was like whispering in his ear for saying, come on, get your cells to regenerate.
And all these sort of lines that more or less could have been lifted out of a film.
They must have been just rubbing their hands with glee.
I saw BBC News 24 running the interview with his girlfriend quite a lot, and they ran it really long as well.
They were just sort of thinking, wow, people are going to be freaking out over the ideas and the mental images that this horrific stuff is conjuring.
And they really milked it.
Did you say that some paper had
Um, reported someone as saying that one of their heads exploded?
Yeah, the headline in the Sun was, uh, I saw man's head explode.
That's insane.
Then I turned inside and there was no reference to a head exploding.
No, of course not.
It was just swelling fast.
Yeah, yeah.
That's not exploding, is it?
Misery undone.
I was thinking scanners.
Yeah, exactly.
You know?
That's crazy.
Anyway, I think there's been some sensationalist reporting there.
It's outrageous.
And anyway, the latest news I checked this morning was that there are now just two men who are remaining critically ill.
So I do hope that they improve very quickly.
But what's going to happen to drug trials themselves now?
Because presumably they will have to continue testing drugs on humans at some, you know, at some level.
But who's going to volunteer for them?
Um, and I guess they're just gonna have to make it really worth your while, like pay you a load of money.
Would you ever go up for one now?
No.
Would you definitely not?
Not even if they offered you like twenty thousand quid?
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I'd never do that.
But you never would in the first place, would you?
Robert Rodriguez did it, didn't he?
The guy that directed El Mariachi and Spy Kids and Sin City.
Yeah.
He famously started his movie career by being a human guinea pig.
Right.
That's how he raised the money for his first low-budget film.
Yeah, well, you know, I've met lots of people.
There's always students and people who are doing drug trials and stuff like that.
Not those kind of drug trials, but medical ones.
And I always marveled, I must say, at the mentality of someone who would do that, because you just think, that is freaky.
But the thing is, they are mainly assured that the worst symptoms they will experience are things like headaches and a bit of nausea.
Apart from that, they're okay, generally.
Anyway, I hope they all improve, you know, and get better, that kind of thing.
But, oh dear, misery.
Okey-doke, let's play some more music now.
And this is The Arctic Monkeys, When the Sun Goes Down.
They're like a sensation.
That's a band called the Funky Monkeys.
They're very big.
Very big.
If you're young.
And did you know?
And did you know?
What?
That they never had any publicity.
Oh.
No.
And it spread through the internet.
On the internet.
Did you know?
No.
That it spread through the internet.
They're very spotty.
They're very spotty.
I think they're marvellous.
Yes.
So listen, we've had a number of calls and texts telling us a fact that we didn't previously know, that apparently since the horrific events in that drug testing centre, applications for drug trials have rocketed up.
Thousands of people are now applying.
Because the newspapers have told them that you get paid two grand.
Yeah, and they're thinking, two grand, good deal.
I'll have some of that.
but it's too good it's not enough surely strange anyway i guess it's good that they're getting to test their um drugs yeah thanks thanks to chris who texted that in and who was that on the phone
Somebody call Les.
Thanks, Les.
Yeah, that's fascinating.
What strange, uh, people people are.
People are strange.
It's a brilliant point, Joe.
You never thought that?
People are strange.
I was just thinking, people are weird.
The world's a weird place.
Wacky.
I'll tell you what, Joe.
Um, there's now stranger than folk.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That's not the, uh, correct phrase, is it?
I'm so ill.
right then uh we'll be back shortly and launching our text competition for the second hour we've still got lots of amazing prizes to give away and great music to play and there's still so much to live for here on xfm xfm love music love music love xfm
This is XFM.
What are you going on about, Joe?
What?
I'm just reading a mag.
What?
You're talking about the bathroom, that sounded interesting.
That was Coldplay, by the way, with the hardest part.
Yeah, it's not interesting, trust me.
It sounded amazing.
What are you reading?
Telegraph magazine.
Can I say hello to the builders that are doing my kitchen?
No, you can't.
Lee and Will and Danny.
You got Lee around?
Yeah, the electrician bloke.
You know Lee, Adam.
They're doing such good work.
They found some asbestos this morning and yesterday they found an old rat's nest and a skeleton.
I bet they planted it.
They're fearless.
They planted it.
that asbestos.
They don't care.
They just carry on.
That's typical Lee.
That's classic Lee.
Do you think?
Plant the asbestos.
Plant the asbestos.
Stick another ground up.
Ooh, bad news, I'm afraid, Joe.
Found a bit of asbestos in there.
Ooh, dear.
No, there's a skeleton down there.
Ooh, dear, rats.
You're so cynical.
He'll never work for you again.
He's brilliant, Lee.
He's a genius.
He's a genius!
Anyway, it's time for a text competition, listeners.
The text number is 83XFM.
83XFM.
And the winner of this text competition will get a pair of tickets to see the Dead Sixties, or a Gus Van Sant DVD of last days, or a Masters of Horror DVD.
So what's the competition, Ad?
Well, this is a competition that I imagine might have been done before in the world.
But, um, I was struck by a humorously named shop in a small village that I visited the other day.
Yeah.
Uh, in Norfolk.
And it's a shop that specializes in dyeing all kinds of fabric.
Okay.
Uh, so it's called We Dye to Please.
Nice.
Well, not really, I was thinking.
I was thinking, if you're gonna have a shop that specializes in dying, and you've got all those puns available to you, why would you settle for, we die to please?
Pretty much anything would be better than that, wouldn't it?
No, but you don't want to make people think they're gonna die.
Really?
Yeah.
Do they?
Oh, well, you do.
I was thinking it would be better if it was called, we're all gonna die.
No one would shop there.
Would they not?
What about live and let die?
That's better.
That's better than- That's good.
That's better than we died to please, surely.
How about this?
Died and gone to heaven.
That's good.
Yeah?
Or what about this?
You gotta die sometime.
Yeah.
That's not quite so good, is it?
Because that, again, makes you think of mortality.
But anyway, so basically I'm curious to hear either, maybe not real shop puns that people have seen.
Although if they're very good, I would be curious to hear them.
But I want people to make up some good shop puns, because it's an enjoyable pastime, making up shop puns.
Right, we've had one already.
Cheeses of Nazareth.
That's an old one, isn't it?
That is old.
Maybe this is an insane competition, isn't it?
But here's a few real shop puns that actually exist.
I was looking for these on the internet, and I found out that there is a book, a whole book dedicated to these, which is called Shop Horror, which I believe that Richard and Judy talked about on their show.
So here's a bit more publicity for Shop Horror.
Only the best for us.
Come on, Richard and Judy's excellent.
Yeah, it is.
Um, yes, it is.
It's one of the best shows on TV.
Okay.
Uh, for hairdressers, okay, uh, these are real, real ones.
Curl Up and Die, obviously.
That's famous.
That's a famous one.
The Lunatic Fringe, quite good.
Mm-hmm.
Cliptomania.
That's just mad.
Why do you, look, you could be more enthusiastic about these.
Cliptomania.
Just being honest.
Like, just cheer for some of these.
Okay.
How about this?
A Flower Shop.
Austin, wait, you haven't even heard it yet.
Austin Flowers.
Like Austin Powers.
Yes.
How about this?
Pizza delivery place called Pizza the Action.
Oh, I love that place, generally.
That's a phrase people use in newspapers all the time.
Yeah, that's true.
Grab a piece of the, Pizza the Action.
How about this?
Chinese place called Walk This Way.
That's good.
Nice.
Yeah.
For this one, Thai food, Bo Thai.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And it's Bo, it's spelled B-E-A-U.
Quite good.
And, and I was thinking for a restaurant that didn't serve Thai food, how about Tie the Knot?
because it doesn't serve Thai food.
Yeah.
Okay, here's another real one.
Curtain shop.
It's curtains for you.
Oh, brilliant.
That's good, isn't it?
Again, the customer's dead.
Yeah.
You just like to execute your customers.
No, they're not gonna, you're not gonna think about that.
I'm not gonna go in there because they're threatening to kill me.
I just want some curtains.
Shoe repair place.
Cobblers to you.
Cobblers to you, that's good.
It's aggressive.
Yeah, it's a bit aggressive, but you know... Yeah, very aggressive high street.
Exactly.
Tanning salon, cosmopolitan.
That's dreadful, isn't it?
That is rubbish.
Did you think of that?
On no level is that good.
No, that's a real one.
That's a real one.
Are these all real?
So far, those were all real, except for Tie the Knot, for a restaurant that doesn't serve Thai food.
Um, so I want people to come up with some, uh, names for example, I thought maybe I could limit the competition to give it some parameters.
Uh, come up with names for, you've got a choice of three.
A keycutters.
Yeah.
A chiropractors.
You've got a pen, Sandy, give me a pen.
or a laundrette.
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
see ya
Editors, with Munich, uh, this is Adam and Joe here on a Saturday afternoon.
It's a glorious Saturday afternoon.
It is, isn't it?
Look at that.
Glorious.
If only it would stay.
It's getting a bit ludicrous, the coldness, don't you think, Joe Cornish?
Yeah.
And it certainly has got a- because cold doesn't actually give you a cold, does it?
No, but the extreme temperature changes do.
Yeah.
and it just makes you more susceptible.
How are you feeling anyway, Joe Cornish?
I'm okay.
I've taken anadine full strength caps.
Yeah?
And I feel all right.
I feel, like, more powerful than usual.
Are you an ibuprofen man or a paracetamol man?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Would you go for, what are they called, what are the really strong painkillers called?
Well, there's paracetamol... Correct.
Well, come on, thickies.
What's the other one?
You can't all be as thick as I am.
Ibuprofen, you're right.
Ibuprofen.
Is Ibuprofen the opposite of... Anyway, listen, we're getting these, uh, we're getting these text ideas in, Adam, Buxton.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So, here, uh, shall I give you a little quick sample of some of the, the level of, uh, ideas we're getting?
You sound a little angry with me there, as if, uh, as if I've launched a bad competition.
I don't know.
I don't know, you know.
Well, I think it's difficult for people to stay, uh, you know, within your parameters of key cutters, chiropractors and laundrettes.
I thought it would be good to impose some parameters.
Has that backfired?
Narsia in Manor Park has an idea for a chiropractors called We've Got Your Back.
quite good because it means like we've got your back like we've we're looking after you we're watching out for you but at the same time quite literally you come on you want I've never heard the phrase we've got your back oh come on that's a very popular phrase is that amongst cops or something nah just I've got your back you're coming as I'm looking out for you yeah I've got your back you can go into the drug den now I'll shoot any drug dealer that come out
Spine... Spine thrillers, says Abby.
Spine thrillers?
What's that?
Spine tinglers, I think.
I'm just reading what people have sent.
Abby, can I suggest spine tinglers would be better than... Spine tinglers.
...would be better than spine thrillers.
A key cut is called copy cuts.
It's just quite good.
Copycuts is quite good.
Yeah.
It is quite good, come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or, you know, spine thrillers.
Paul Edwards would just call it spine box.
Can't read that out.
Has he got a dirty one?
No, it's just bad.
Come on, read a bad one.
For a keycutters, a bit of new key.
And then in brackets he's put the word nookie.
Come on, Paul.
I thought he was talking about the place.
New Key.
An air conditioning shop called Don't Cool Us, We'll Cool You.
Yeah, well that's good.
That probably just exists though, doesn't it?
Some of these are quite painful.
This is a rubbish competition.
I apologise.
I just, the whole- Hey, this is quite good.
What?
No, it's not.
It looked quite good at first.
What?
Why did you- A keycutters would be called Little Shop of Lockers.
What?
That's supposed to sound like Little Shop of Horrors.
Horrors doesn't sound like Lockers.
You may as well call it Star Wars Keys.
Yeah.
Or, or King Keys.
Burglars King.
Keycutters called Burglars King.
What?
That's quite good, isn't it?
Like Burger King?
Yeah.
What's the got, has it got nothing to do with keys?
I thought a good name for a keycutters would be, I'll cut you.
I'll cut you.
That's a bit threatening, isn't it?
Or Cutter's Way.
Very good Jeff Bridges film.
Well, you set the competition.
We're all trying our best to make you happy.
I know, I know.
Listen, I'm gonna try and come up with some... That are actually good.
Yeah.
We've had a couple of good ones in there already.
There's some good ones being sent in.
Cutter's Way?
Look, I've got an excuse and I've got a temperature.
You're healthy.
Here's Jack Johnson.
So we're going to a few more of our competition entries, our text entries.
Yeah, we're back on.
I'm blowing my nose though.
Go on, it's candid.
You don't have to blow it right in the mic.
I didn't.
I've got multicolored tissues.
Have you?
It's brilliant.
You never know what color the next one will be.
Do you remember when that was exciting?
When I was a child, multicolored tissues were really exciting.
Are you genuinely excited about multicolored tissues?
Green, purple, pink, what's it gonna be?
They should have ones with different levels of, um, you know, different textures.
Some of them should be really rough, and some should be very smooth.
Why?
Would that be good?
That's not a good idea, is it?
Yeah.
So, listen.
Yeah.
Yeah, this text competition.
This text competition.
Which we admit is a bit rubbish.
You admit that, don't you, Adam?
I do admit that, yeah.
But yet, some of these entries are entering an area of rubbish that's quite special.
Rubbishness.
They've got quite a unique... Special rubbosity.
And you've had a... A couple of people have actually phoned, haven't they, Xanthi?
Yeah.
But you've failed to tell us who and what they've said.
Well, yeah, but no one wants to hear you say it.
Come on, they do.
I'm being silly, of course.
Where's your mic, Zanthi?
I'm being silly, Zanthi, say it, go on.
Hello?
Can we hear you?
Hello?
There we go, speak, come on, don't make him- Okay, we've got Mickey with Alicia's keys.
That's- well, now he's assuming that the person that owns this shop is called Alicia.
Yeah.
Alicia's keys.
I think that's very good.
Well done, Mickey.
Yeah.
Next, please.
His other idea was twist and shout.
For what?
For a laundrette.
For a laundrette?
Why, why?
Why, why?
Because it's the name of a song.
No, no, no.
It can't be for a laundrette.
It must be for a chiropractor.
Oh, sorry.
For a laundrette?
Sansie, your debut.
Because it's the name of a song, says Sansie.
What else?
What else?
Come on, quickly.
It's a lockout.
It's a lockout for our key cutters.
Yeah, that's quite good.
That's good because it works on a number of different levels.
Does it, Adam?
What levels then?
Well, there was a program called It's a Knockout.
It's a lock shop.
No, there's a thing that happens in a pub which is a lock-in.
It's a lock-in, yeah.
But it's the reverse of that and then there's something to do with keys and cutting.
How would you build on that in the, like, display of your shop?
Would you have a picture of- who was the guy that hosted It's a Knockout?
Edd Hall.
Eddie Wearing.
Eddie Wearing, or whatever his- Stuart Hall.
Stuart Hall, that's right.
Or you'd have a picture of him with keys instead of hands.
Yeah, and when you went through the door, instead of like a bell that went off, you could have the sound of Stuart Hall going, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No one's coming to your shops.
I want you back.
I want you back.
I want you back.
There's somebodies.
They're still coming in.
What?
Has no one done lock... Key cutters.
Fob you off.
That's quite good.
Fob you off is good.
And several people have texted him, back to the future.
Yeah, for the chiropractor.
For a chiropractor.
What about lock, stock and... There's gotta be some lock, stock pun for key cutters.
Lock, lock and two smoking locks.
Yeah.
Lock, stock and two keys.
In a barrel.
Oh dear, should we wrap this thing up?
Yeah, well what we got to choose a winner.
I can't possibly choose a winner at such short notice.
Alright, I tell you what, it's gonna take ages.
We'll do some ads and some music and then we'll come back with a winner.
How do you choose between a hundred really awful ideas?
I'm not saying that we haven't had any better ones.
We've had a lot of experience.
A laundrette called Spinsters.
That's a new one.
That's good.
Maybe that could be the winner.
We'll come back with the big announcement after this.
Love music.
Love XFM.
Mmm, that's KT, the Tunstall, with Black Horse and the Cherry Tree.
Mmm.
Uh, the second single to be taken from the Scottish singer-songwriter's debut album, Eye to the Telescope.
So listen, if you've, uh, entered our text competition and been listening to the text competition period of the show, well done.
Thanks for sticking with us, and we're gonna close it now.
We've got a caller on the line.
Ooh, that's a strange noise.
Ooh.
Nice little bit of... Mucus-based.
Mucus.
Sean in London.
Hello, Sean.
Hello there.
What do you think of the text competition, Sean?
uh it's rubbish isn't it yeah come on you're not supposed to fall that quickly but you're gonna win it i know but so you're calling yourself rubbish in a way no i was just a little bit better than rubbish i was nearly rubbish well it is a good one your one tell us what your one is and this is for a laundrette right uh it was wash your back what no no come on what's your problem wash your
What's your problem?
That's good.
Did you genuinely forget what it was called there, Sean?
Uh, yes.
Were you trying to slip in an extra, uh, hybrid?
Have another go.
Of the chiropodist and the laundrette.
Wash your back.
Wash your problem is good there.
Wash your problem's genius.
Did you make that up or have you seen it somewhere else?
I'm afraid I made that up, yes.
You're a very clever man.
Would you like a prize?
Uh, oh, go on, what have you got?
Uh, one pair of tickets to see the Dead Sixties at the Astoria tomorrow night.
Uh, a Gus Van Sant DVD or a Masters of Horror DVD?
Oh, uh, a Masters of Horror DVD.
Masters of Horror.
Yes, you may have that.
Well done.
Okay, thank you.
Hey, thanks a lot for, you know, basically lifting the quality of that.
Saving your competition.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Half an hour of competition as well.
That's dreadful, isn't it?
Are you the kind of person that usually switches off when people have competitions on the radio, Sean?
And no, I furiously send in rubbish entries.
Do you good?
There was one other quite good one, which is, you spin my whites round, baby whites round.
That's quite good, isn't it?
That is quite good.
From Abby.
I thought of a couple for chiropractors.
Back in the action?
Yeah.
Yeah?
That's terrible, isn't it?
And how about this?
This is dreadful.
Batman, turn her over, drive?
That's terrible.
But the driver's got nothing to do with it at the end as well.
Anyway, I'm really happy to be able to put that competition finally to bed.
Thanks, Sean.
Don't tell anyone this happened.
No, it's no one gonna know.
Okay, let's keep it between... Yes, you're the only person listening.
Let's keep it between the three of us.
Okay.
Cheers then, Sean.
Thanks for your call.
Listen, can I just run a text competition for next week by you?
Yeah, go on then.
I can't work out how to make this work, but I'm obsessed with what I call parasite shows.
You know, if there's a hit show on TV, they'll have a, like, a sister show.
Yeah, Big Brother's Big Mouth, and... Yeah, like, well, Big Brother's got two, hasn't it?
It's got Big Brother's Little Brother, then Big Brother's, uh, yeah, Big Mouth.
Then there's Dancing on Ice, Defrosted.
Right.
Then there's The Apprentice, You're Fired.
Mm-hmm.
Then there was Space Cadets, The Satellite Show.
And now there's The Games, Inside Track.
Yeah.
So my idea for a text competition, maybe next week, was come up with your own rubbish titles for a spin-off show.
That's a good idea.
Is that a good idea?
So you're giving people a whole week to think of them.
Well, no, the thing is, I couldn't think of any funny ones.
Right.
I couldn't think of a single funny one.
Well, let's have a think.
And I think maybe this competition is flawed.
It's gotta be, there's gotta be something in there, surely.
Well, that's next week, isn't it?
Let's have a think.
Uh, free play right now, um, as we approach the final section of the show.
This is Canned Heat.
Little bit of sitar at the end here, Joel.
Never goes amiss.
Can I ask you a question?
Go on, then.
Why are one in three men in London wearing narrowly-striped, multicoloured scarves?
Have you noticed that?
Ricky and Steve laugh Steve laughs Steve laughs Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
But you can't walk to- I mean, someone out there listening is wearing one right now.
And surely you just- every other parson- parson?
Every other parson.
All the parsons are wearing them.
All the parsons.
They're very big with parsons.
Bless you.
Everybody you parse in the street, all the parsons you parse in the street are wearing them.
Parsons.
That's how you should call them.
I've forgotten what I was saying.
I'm delirious.
You've invented a new word.
It's brilliant.
I'm so ill.
Do you know what I was getting at, though?
Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
I mean, what's the point?
Everyone's wearing them.
Well, it's not.
Stop it!
People, you know, it's utilitarian, isn't it?
They're not just wearing scarves to make an individualistic fashion statement, are they?
They just want to wrap up.
Why are they wearing them?
To feel the same as everybody else?
They just want to keep their necks warm, you lunatic.
No, they're trying to be trendy.
They've gone out and bought one of these scarves.
Where do you get them, anyway?
Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
I know what you're talking about.
I'm just trying to be perverse.
Now, shall we launch Ditties in the Dock?
Yes.
Let's do that right now.
Are you going to go right the way through?
No.
So, yes, Ditzy's in the Dock.
This is the part of the show where you, the listeners, vote for what song we'll play out with.
We get five voters on the show, on the telephone, on the lines, everybody who calls in and gets on the air wins a prize, which will be an exciting DVD.
Uh, and this week, the theme is illness, because both Adam and I are ill.
You might have been able to tell by the slight low quality of the show.
We be illin'.
Um, and so I'll start with mine.
Mine is gonna be, funnily enough, Run-D.M.C.
with U.B.
Illin.
Well, it is the most classic Illin track of all time.
Early hip-hop, from the days when rappers didn't actually have to do, you know, proper rapping.
So, one of the lines in this song is, Dinner, you ate it, till there was nothing left.
It was salty, with butter, and it was death.
That's right.
You couldn't get away with that these days.
But it's one of the most primitive raps you've ever heard, but it's brilliant.
It is very good.
So I want you to call 0871 222 1049 and vote for Run DMC with Ilin 0871 222 1049 or... I'm sure we had Ilin as the...
in a previous days in the dark I was just it just occurred to me as well that Dakota fanning was the answer to a previous competition we had as well not so long ago it was the subject of aggression no one listens regularly like imagine they couldn't no it's insanity yeah you're quite right sorry my my track that I want people to vote for this week which is illness based is a chew by sparks
now i'm a big sparks fan and i know that there's a lot of sparks fans that listen to this show so i implore you sparks fans get on the phones now and vote for this classic slice of ron and russell male brilliance from the album propaganda i think it is
and it's just a as usual with sparks thematically it's insane it's basically a song that seems to be about plague being spread um in olden times which is not something that people really write pop songs about that often but they managed to make it um
May I say, infectiously catchy.
And it's a brilliant song, you know, and I implore you to vote for The Mighty Sparks.
So it's Sparks vs.
Run-D.M.C., Illin vs. Achoo for our flu-based Ditties in the Dock.
The number again, 0871-222-1049.
Everybody who gets on the air will win a copy of Last Days or Masters of Horror.
So please, call now!
xfm xfm xfm xfm xfm xfm xfm xfm xfm xfm xfm xfm
Love XFM.
Mmm.
Thank you very much.
That's awesome here on the Adam and Joe radio program with no tomorrow.
I should have done.
Oh, I should have done Dr. Dr. by the Thompson twins why Alan from Elton was cuz I it's a good song.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, okay.
This is in the dock versus Run DMC's box with at you versus run DMC with you be ill.
It's a flu theme and we got a sir on the line.
Hello a sir
Hi.
Hi.
Am I pronouncing your name correctly?
Yeah, that's fine.
Yeah, that's cool.
Good stuff.
And what are your headlines, Aza?
What's going down in your world today?
What's on the front page of the Aza Times?
I'm taking some American cousins around London, so... Oh, no.
I'm parked outside Tower of London at the moment.
Oh, are you going to go to Madame Tussauds?
No, I think Westminster Abbey.
Yeah.
And we did Greenwich Observatory this morning, so... What a day.
Are they enjoying it?
Yeah, I think so, yeah.
What you should do, of course, Azor, is just take him to the cinema and get him to see Kidult.
Because it kicks the door right off its hinges.
That's what it says on the poster, anyway.
I think they're used to a bit more sort of popcorn kind of stuff, maybe.
So what are you voting for?
Is it going to be Run DMC or is it going to be Sparks?
Yeah, Run DMC all the way.
Hey!
Well done.
And what would you like?
A copy of Gus Van Sant's Last Days or the Masters of Horror 2 DVD set?
Uh, the, uh, Gus Van Sant one, please.
Good choice.
Thanks for calling, Azar.
I hope you have a nice day with your Yankee Poodle friends.
And that they enjoy London.
That's not rude, is it?
No, no.
I've just never heard the phrase Yankee Poodle before.
Yankee Poodle.
Sorry, Adam, you go for it.
Simon, I was going to say hello to Simon, that's all.
How you doing, Simon?
Hi, how are you?
Yeah, very well, thanks.
What are you up to this afternoon?
Um, my girlfriend's objecting me to going to Ikea on my break.
Oh, no, that's hell.
That's rough, man.
Don't do that.
Which one are you going to?
Uh, the new wheelchair would have just come back from the new one at Edmonton.
Oh, dear.
You just came back?
Yeah, luckily.
What time did you set out this morning?
6am?
Yeah, about 6.30, something like that.
Did you have any disgusting Swedish food?
Yeah, I did, actually.
Really?
Frank- Frankie Fyrta?
Did you have a Frankie Fyrta?
Is that Swedish?
Fyrta, Frankie Fyrta?
Fyrta, Fyrta?
Um, anyway, Simon, what are you voting for, Run DMC or Sparks?
Sparks?
What are you doing?
Are you a Sparks fan, Simon?
I'm... not really, but I've heard of... just recently heard a bit, and I think I might be.
I might be becoming a fan.
They take a bit of getting used to, Sparks, but they are well worth the effort, I tell you.
They're gonna be playing in London live fairly soon.
Anyway, Simon, have a great weekend.
Thanks for your call.
Sorry to hear about the whole... Hey, we didn't ask what prize he wants, did we?
Simon, are you still there?
Do you want last days or horrors?
I'm gonna go for the last day.
Yeah.
Very good.
Good choice, good choice.
Very good, very good.
Okay, Rosie's on the line.
Hello, Rosie.
Hi.
How are you doing?
Oh, alright, apart from cleaning the kitchen.
Cleaning the kitchen?
Yeah.
Really?
What are you using?
Oh, all sorts.
You got any Cillit Bang going on?
All sorts?
Shouldn't use all sorts.
Can't clean the floor with licorice all sorts, you stupid woman!
They'll just make it messier.
You'll just get smears on the vinyl.
Uh, why don't you use Cillit Bang?
Actually, I've got some of that.
Have you, have you?
Someone was telling me on Charlie Brooker's show the other day they had a sort of very angry, um... We've talked about this.
In fact, I talked about this when you were ill last year, about the fact that it's all rubbish.
It's rubbish, yeah, you can just dip it in, it's just a natural chemical reaction.
Yeah, yeah.
Dip it into... dip a coin into anything, more or less, and it'll go all shiny.
Yeah.
I don't know if that's true.
Anyway... Rosie, what are you going for?
Is it Sparks or Run DMC?
Run DMC.
Yes!
Because I've been doing a lot of illing this winter.
Have you?
Yep.
It's not fun, is it?
No.
No, it's so boring.
Thank God for the Commonwealth Games.
Um, nice vote.
So that's 2-1 to Cornish.
Well, Rosie, thank you very much for your call.
Good luck with the kitchen.
Hey, what would you like, horror or rock stars dying?
I'd go for the horror.
The horror, sensible woman.
Well done, thanks for calling.
I need another vote for the sparkles, otherwise I'm out of the picture.
Renata, are you there?
Yes!
Renata, what's the matter with you, woman?
I've been waiting, man.
This is taking a long time.
Where are you from?
What's that crazy accent you've got, Renata?
Okay, I'm Italian-Greek, from Africa, and lived in America.
Whoa.
Well, settle down, woman.
You know, choose somewhere, for God's sake.
Italian-Greek, what the heck do you look like, then?
I look like everyone else.
You look like everybody else.
What do you do for a living, Renata?
I see them everywhere.
You see them everywhere.
Dead people.
We've got Haley Joel Osment on the line.
Renata, are you some kind of clairvoyant or fortune teller gypsy woman?
Is that your multiple personalities laughing?
Yeah.
What was that film, Sylvia?
What was that weird film with that multiple personality woman?
I don't know what you mean.
Old TV movie.
Yeah, what's that called?
I can't remember.
Anyway, I think that's who we got calling.
Renata, what are you voting for?
Is it Sparks or Run DMC?
Run DMC.
Oh, Cornish wins.
I'm surprised.
And what would you like?
Would you like Kurt Cobain popping his clogs or non-famous people popping their clogs?
Can you have both?
You're a greedy piggy.
Could do.
You could do.
Yeah, go on, Renata, man.
It's like getting the woman from The Exorcist on the phone.
Let's send Renata both.
I think Renata deserves both.
And very much hope you enjoyed those films.
Renata, can you remember any of the Rum DMC song?
Not at all.
Not at all, OK.
Well, listen, it was a pleasure to talk to you.
Thanks very much to everyone who phoned in this weekend.
We really appreciate your continued support, especially considering the, uh, kind of level of competitions that we had going today.
Hey, don't be shamed.
I think it was fun.
I think we took punnery to a whole new strange level.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe we should leave the puns alone for a little while.
Anyway, this is a great way to see out the show.
I mean, I'm sad that I'm not playing Sparks, obviously, but this is... You know what?
I'm slightly sad that you're not playing Sparks.
Come on, this is a great one.
Yeah.
You be illin'.
Yeah.
It was chicken.
You ate it.
And it was death.
I like that line.
That's good.
Thanks to everybody who texted, everybody who phoned.
We'll be back between 1 and 3 next week.
This has been Adam and Joe.
We'll see you next week.
Love you, bye!
I'll see you next time.
his money.
He didn't walk straight, kind of side to side.
He asked this old lady, yo, yo, um, is this Kentucky fried?
The lady said yeah, smiled and he smiled back.
He gave a quarter and his order was more fried.
Cheers!
You know what your problem is?
You be L.A.
You know what was your selection?
You be L.A.
L.A.
You be L.A.
L.A.
Dinner, you ate it, there is none left It was salty, with butter, and it was death You proceeded to eat it, cause you was in the mood But hopes you did not read it was a can of dog food
L.A.
Yo, yo, you be L.A.
L.A.
You be L.A.
L.A.
Who, me?
You be L.A.
L.A.
L.A.
L.A.
You be L.A.
L.A.
L.A.
L.A.
L.A.